Wednesday, February 25, 2009

It could be worse--right?

It seems finding a break from bad luck is hard to find around here! I look back at my past 2 years and all I can think about, is how did i survive all of this? Exactly 2 years from today,
I lost my best friend... and it has all seem to go down hill from there. Since then I have lost a few family members (my grandparents and my uncle), followed by the dreaded news of Sean having cancer and our long battle with that. Don't get me wrong, I have most definitely had some of the BEST times of my life during these psast 2 years also, including having Ella, having the best friends in the world, and falling in love with Sean all over again. I still have the hardest time waking up in the morning and not thinking--does it get any worse then this? Since Sean has died, I have had a few 'mishaps' if that may be what I call them... including, but not limited to(!) almost starting my house on fire (twice! ha.), having my vehicle break down on me (twice) and having more drama in my life then i had in highschool--causing me to lose the friendship of a best friend and for the big topper--rolling my grand cherokee a few weeks ago! Yes, I crashed my jeep--so scary. Which, has put the thought of what happens if something were to ever happen to me? What happens with the girls--who will take care of them, how could they cope with losing another parent? and yada yada yada... I mean, I KNOW that I definitely have people that I could count on to raise the girls for me, but it is still hard to process the possibility of that happening. I guess with all this bad stuff happening to me, I have had so many point out to me how I have so much to be thankful for also though... like, when I rolled my Jeep, it really could have been so much worse--i walked away from it (ok, so when i eventually managed to get out of the dang thing). I thankfully managed to only have a few cuts and bruises, which most would be pretty surprised if they had seen my jeep in the ditch upside down. I had full coverage insurance, so I was able to get another grand cherokee on Monday and in the mean time, Dan let me borrow a spare car that he had. I am also sooo very thankful that I have my daughters--they are definitely the best part of my life and it really helps to keep me strong, knowing they need me to be there for them. anyways....
The girls are doing great! Addie is 4 now--omgoodness! and Ella Bella's birthday is coming up VERY quickly~she will be 2 on March 7th! Ella has started potty training and has successfully used the potty ONE time-haha. I am also working on breaking her from the binky, and that has been going so-so. Addie is the smartest girl ever! It amazes me at what she learns every single day. I have been doing good also all in all--despite everything. I have been working on losing weight the past couple of months--totaling 31 pounds!!! My goal now is to lose another 15 by May--so wish me luck! Work has not been to bad for me and school is something I am still looking forward to in the near future--I wanted to start this winter, but the whole me needing to take my ACT's has postponed that until this coming fall... Thats about all for now--I would really like to update with some photos soon, but my computer is down (again), so I have been using Sean's mac and I have no clue how to upload photos to this thing! Sooo... maybe I will get that thing fixed soon, so I can update again! Thanks for hanging in here with me even though I am a HUGE slacker when it comes to updating this thing...

~nicole~

Monday, December 8, 2008

here goes nothin!!

Wow! Has it been a long time since I have updated... So much has been going on since I last updated. We have made it through so much these past 4 months plus. We celebrated Sean's 25th birthday on Oct. 9th--that day started out soooo hard. The girls and I along with Will, Kelly and Josh all went over to the cemetery that day, so the girls could release some birthday balloons up to heaven for Sean. Addie loved it, she was so excited to send messages up to her daddy. Later on that night, one of the girls from daycare took Addie and Ella over night, so I was able to just spend time with the guys. We spent the night just having fun and doing the things Sean would have loved to do... Then halloween--I remember last year on halloween, it was shortly after Sean had started his chemo, so he only made it to a few places before he ended up just taking Ella home (she had crashed anyways before we even started trick or treating!) while Addie and I finished up our night or trick or treating. So, this was sort of like Ella's first halloween--she loved it! Josh came along with the girls and I to help out and I was so proud of how well the behaved out there! Then of course Thanksgiving... this year I decided to host our HUGE family Thanksgiving--I must say it was a bit overwhelming and I had even come down with the flu or something the night before, but it really was nice to have the distraction keeping busy. We even had an incident of the house catching on fire the night before! Now it is December. AHHHH!! December! I can say that all of these holidays are definitely bringing on a bit of stress and anxiety... I am not sure what the plans are for Christmas yet--just that I will be going to my mom's family Christmas party on Christmas Eve, but no plans for Christmas day at the moment. My friends have been so great these past four months, I honestly do not know how I would have survived without them! On Saturday, they all came along with the girls and I to pick out a Christmas tree, and they will hopefully be coming over Wednesday to help decorate it... We have been doing a dinner night here, at my house every Wednesday night and every week I look forward to that night to be able to be with the best group ever. I had never thought that I would be in a group of friends as close as ours even though we are "all grown up now".
The girls have been doing ok. Ella talks up a storm, ever since she was able to learn one word, she has not stopped talking! We ventured a little into the potty training, but were not getting to far with that! She is also still hooked on her binky--I was always the one to say I would never let a toddler walk around with a binky in their mouth! but unfortunately, it wasa huge security thing for and after all she has been through, I do not think it would be appropriate to take it away from her quite yet--so I guess I will more then likely have a two year old walking around with a binky in her mouth! Poor Ella has had the flu for the past few days now and has been throwing up everyday all day--she is such a good sport about it though, she does not cry when she throws up, she just gets this disgusted look on her face and says "yuk, I'm sick, yuk" in her tiny little voice! Addie--she is the smartest 3 year old ever, I swear! She just finished counting to 100 for me a few minutes ago! 100~WOW! She has been so interested in learning to read lately, anytime someone comes over that has writing on their shirt or something she has to spell it out... She knows how to write all of the letters of the alphabet and she is working on how to sound the letters out now. She asks so many questions constantly--and not just the 'why' phase, but she really gets into detail-- "mom, why does it snow? why is the snow white? why is the snow wet?" and it goes on and on and on!
Sooo.... after we manage to make it through Christmas, then we have New Years, then Addie's birthday... and the list goes on! We have all been trying to be happy though, as much as we miss Sean, our lives still have to continue. I guess I better get going to bed here soon now, I have to be up early for work and it looks like I am going to have to head out extra early because of the snow storm! I will post tons of photos here as soon as I can--they are all on my computer, which is out of commission at the moment, so I am stuck using Sean's Mac, which I have no clue how to even upload photos onto... so stay tuned! thanks.

~nicole~

Sunday, September 21, 2008

long over due update...

Well, it has been over seven weeks since everything. I would say seven long weeks, but honestly, time has been flying by. It feels like just yesterday Sean was right by my side. The girls and I miss him beyond words. People say it gets better, but lately everything has been a bit overwhelming. He is really not coming back. I am thankful I still have my friends here by my side everyday, not a day goes by that someone does not stop and see the girls and I. I have said this before, but I don't know what I would do without them! Still trying to stay busy, still working, still getting out and about... The girls are doing great! Ella is transitioning into the terrible twos, thats for sure! Addie loves to talk about Sean everyday. This past week was family week at school for her, so I was a little worried about that, but she took it quite well~ It was a little hard for me--as the kids had made a chart showing how many people were in each their family and Addie's name was under the "3 in our family" section. I still like to think that their are 4 people in our family, so that was a kick in the butt I would have to say!
I have been going over a lot of stuff and I am trying to figure out a plan so that I am able to go back to college this winter. I am hoping to go for my bachelors in nursing! I have learned so much throughout Sean's journey, that I would love to be one of the lovely nurses who I know helped us so much. A year ago, I would say no way to something like this, but gone through everything Sean and I have been through, I feel I can do anything! It is definitely going to be a bit of a juggle--school, work, kids, friends... but I NEED to do it! I am looking forward to it and hopefully it will be a much needed distraction for me.
No big plans for us here in the near future, but I am hoping to take a vacation sometime soon-- i need one. Thanks everyone for sticking by my side! I love you all!
~nicole~

Friday, September 12, 2008

SEAN SHIELDS MEMORIAL MUD RUN: PHOTOS~PART TWO!!!


where did all this mud come from you ask?

yup--i sure do know how to drive what the big boys do!

good job amber!!! i knew you could take big josh down on your own!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

SEAN SHIELDS MEMORIAL MUD RUN: PHOTOS~PART ONE!!!

Sorry it took so long for the photos!! Here are a few to start with--more coming soon!!

Sean and I have the greatest friends--I am sure you can tell from this photo!
Don't know what I would do without them!

SEAN'S JEEP!!!
(yeah--thats me driving! as mel says: "watch out wossie boys" :)!

ummmmm.... ouch.
ok--so they are not nice allllll the time!
(thanks kieth, i really needed that.)

GO MEL! it sure does take a girl...

AND THE BEAUTY PAGEANT WINNERS ARE...
nikki~dan~amber~kara
(wow-- i know people tell me i have a big mouth, but i guess it's confirmed!)

That is just a few~ I am definitely going to post more soon!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

THANK YOU ALL SOOOOOO MUCH!!!

Mud run was Saturday and it was unbelievable! There was a huge turn out--everything was perfect only if Sean were there... The boys got the Jeep going, so I was able to attempt the mud pit- I didn't make it to far in though-- all well, always next year for that! It was a blast, after I had got the Jeep stuck in the middle of the mud pit, Kieth decided to pull me out of the Jeep and throw me into the mud pit. Wow, was that fun and dirty : )! Sean sure as heck was a great friend to so many and I could not stop thinking about him the whole time. We were still able to have a great time though and hanging out with everyone there made it feel like Sean was right there with us. I cannot thank the Deater's (and Rollston's) enough for this weekend. I wish there was something I could do for you all for putting this together! Kelly (Sean's mom) even got to take a ride through the mud! (poor Kelly, I wouldn't trust riding in a vehicle with Big Josh!). We truly had a blast there and it was nice to be able to smile that much. Along with all the fun, memories, and friends... The Deater's also raised close to $2,400 to put toward Sean's funeral cost!! What a huge amount of stress taken away having that help! Thank you!!!! Last night Mel came over to bring me a scrapbook that she had put together from the mud run. It is the greatest thing anyone could have ever done for me and the girls and it is something we will always have to remind us all how much we love and miss Sean and what a great, outgoing guy he was! There were tons of photos and videos taken of the whole event-- I cannot wait to get some so I can post them here!
It is so hard to believe Sean has been gone for a month now. It has been the busiest yet longest month of my life. I hate being alone, I try to stay busy, but there is only so much I can do. The girls are doing great, Addie still talks about her dadda everyday. My friends continue to be here for me every single day and I am quite thankful for that as I don't know what I would do without them! Right now I am just wishing summer would last forever...
Stay tuned for photos-- I am hoping to have them up before the end of the week!!
Love to all, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!

~nicole~

Friday, August 29, 2008

MUD RUN TODAY!!!

Today is the day. It's actually 2:30 a.m., so I still have a few hours until the mud run actually starts, but it has been a bit difficult to sleep these days. Sean and I have the greatest friends in the world and they have been working day and night putting Sean's Jeep together and making it mud ready, so I am able to drive it in the run today!!! I am so thrilled. I am so touched? that they have done this in honor of Sean. This has really been making me miss Sean sooooo much. I just wish he could be at this mud run.
I have been working the past couple of weeks now, and as much as I want to be at work to keep me busy, I still feel like I am having a hard time working. My anxiety really starts to kick in while I am there!
The girls are doing good. Ella is becoming so big! She is constantly talking! Addie has become a repeat (oops), so hopefully my child does not repeat some of the things she says at daycare!
Well, finally getting tired--I will definitely be updating sometime shortly after the mud run!! Thanks.

~nicole~