one week.

I cannot believe that I have been without Sean for one week. It really doesn't seem real, I keep waiting for him to walk through the door. I cannot even think of words to write what I am thinking (if that makes sense). I am a widow at the age of 23. Ella is doing okay, Addie just seems so sad. Addie is asking many questions, I think she too is wondering when her daddy is going to walk through the door. She does know her daddy is in heaven now though, so she is trying to think up every way possible to go see him in heaven. She asked why he can't just come down a ladder to see her or why can't she just get sick for a little while so she can go see her daddy? It just breaks my heart seeing her go through this. Me and the girls have had the greatest support possible. Marty has been helping out sooo much, along with Will and Kelly helping with the girls. The boys (Josh, Dan, and Eric) have been over here constantly, being a great distraction and helping out with some laughs around here. Tuesday, they helped put together an auto cross car for me to drive at the Newaygo County Fair! It was a lot of fun and it was nice to be distracted for a little bit. I was the ONLY girl driver- and I think I kicked some pretty good butt for it being my first year! Sean would have loved to see me out there, but I know he is out there watching over me and the girls. We had visitation for Sean Wednesday and his funeral was on Thursday. Wow, was that hard. There were quite a few memories shared and it sure does make me miss Sean more then ever. I have been doing okay during the day with all the distractions, I am trying to stay strong... but boy does it ever hit me hard at night. It just seems so quiet here- to much time to think. I don't ever want to go to bed because I am now going to bed alone. I feel so scared inside at night and every little noise I hear makes me jump. I could here some people say how they just had to make it through the funeral, but for me- the funeral was the easiest part, now I have a whole life ahead of me. I have never lived on my own before, Sean and I have been with each other for almost 7 years now (since I was 16!) and we have been married for 4 years. We moved in together in 2002 and bought our first house in 2003.
On Friday, I attended another visitation/memorial service. This time it was for a guy I went to school with. I did not know him well, just the occasional hi if he were hanging out with some of the people I hung out with. He was 24 like Sean and also passed away of cancer this week. He also left behind a two year old little boy. It seems so unreal that two 24 year old guys in the same town can pass away of cancer leaving their families behind in the same week. Please, if you are praying for our family, send an extra pray to Fred Routers family, as I know what they are going through and it is not easy.
Thanks for all the continued support everyone has been giving. We love you all,
~nicole and the girls~