MUD RUN TODAY!!!

Today is the day. It's actually 2:30 a.m., so I still have a few hours until the mud run actually starts, but it has been a bit difficult to sleep these days. Sean and I have the greatest friends in the world and they have been working day and night putting Sean's Jeep together and making it mud ready, so I am able to drive it in the run today!!! I am so thrilled. I am so touched? that they have done this in honor of Sean. This has really been making me miss Sean sooooo much. I just wish he could be at this mud run.
I have been working the past couple of weeks now, and as much as I want to be at work to keep me busy, I still feel like I am having a hard time working. My anxiety really starts to kick in while I am there!
The girls are doing good. Ella is becoming so big! She is constantly talking! Addie has become a repeat (oops), so hopefully my child does not repeat some of the things she says at daycare!
Well, finally getting tired--I will definitely be updating sometime shortly after the mud run!! Thanks.

~nicole~

feeling alone.

I swear it has been the longest 16 days of my entire life. The girls and I are getting by, trying to stay busy. I will be going back to work tomorrow, I just need to be able to have something to do during the day. The girls will continue to go to daycare (which they love!), so that helps a lot! I miss Sean so much, it feels so weird without him. Today was the first time I actually went grocery shopping since Sean has been gone and it felt so weird. Skipping by his favorite foods, it just felt weird not buying them. Everything I do just feels so different... especially making an actual dinner because I feel like I am making it for just myself. I know I have the girls here with me, but I still feel so alone, especially at night. Hopefully returning to work will help me out a little.

Some exciting news::::AUGUST 30th, there will be a memorial mud run for Sean!!! It will be held at the Deaters mud pit starting at NOON. Thank you for all of those doing this in Sean's memory and helping us out!!! I think it will be a hard day for me as Sean has been talking nonstop about going to a mud run all summer. I wish he could be there, but I know he will be watching over. Please, everyone--stop out, it will be TONS of fun!! For more info get a hold of me, I will probably post more within a week or so about it.

Also, sorry for any unreturned phone calls, emails, letters, and so on... Every time I try to reply to something I have a hard time doing so. I really do appreciate it all-- THANK YOU!!

Love to all ~Nicole~

P.S. ~ Here is a photo of Sean the last week we were in Chicago. Even though Sean was going through treatment that week, he still always had a sense of humor!!

one week.

I cannot believe that I have been without Sean for one week. It really doesn't seem real, I keep waiting for him to walk through the door. I cannot even think of words to write what I am thinking (if that makes sense). I am a widow at the age of 23. Ella is doing okay, Addie just seems so sad. Addie is asking many questions, I think she too is wondering when her daddy is going to walk through the door. She does know her daddy is in heaven now though, so she is trying to think up every way possible to go see him in heaven. She asked why he can't just come down a ladder to see her or why can't she just get sick for a little while so she can go see her daddy? It just breaks my heart seeing her go through this. Me and the girls have had the greatest support possible. Marty has been helping out sooo much, along with Will and Kelly helping with the girls. The boys (Josh, Dan, and Eric) have been over here constantly, being a great distraction and helping out with some laughs around here. Tuesday, they helped put together an auto cross car for me to drive at the Newaygo County Fair! It was a lot of fun and it was nice to be distracted for a little bit. I was the ONLY girl driver- and I think I kicked some pretty good butt for it being my first year! Sean would have loved to see me out there, but I know he is out there watching over me and the girls. We had visitation for Sean Wednesday and his funeral was on Thursday. Wow, was that hard. There were quite a few memories shared and it sure does make me miss Sean more then ever. I have been doing okay during the day with all the distractions, I am trying to stay strong... but boy does it ever hit me hard at night. It just seems so quiet here- to much time to think. I don't ever want to go to bed because I am now going to bed alone. I feel so scared inside at night and every little noise I hear makes me jump. I could here some people say how they just had to make it through the funeral, but for me- the funeral was the easiest part, now I have a whole life ahead of me. I have never lived on my own before, Sean and I have been with each other for almost 7 years now (since I was 16!) and we have been married for 4 years. We moved in together in 2002 and bought our first house in 2003.
On Friday, I attended another visitation/memorial service. This time it was for a guy I went to school with. I did not know him well, just the occasional hi if he were hanging out with some of the people I hung out with. He was 24 like Sean and also passed away of cancer this week. He also left behind a two year old little boy. It seems so unreal that two 24 year old guys in the same town can pass away of cancer leaving their families behind in the same week. Please, if you are praying for our family, send an extra pray to Fred Routers family, as I know what they are going through and it is not easy.
Thanks for all the continued support everyone has been giving. We love you all,
~nicole and the girls~

visitation and funeral info...

Sean's visitation will be today from 2:00 to 4:00 and 7:00 to 9:00 at Mickinley Funeral Home in Newaygo, Mich. His funeral will be at First Baptist Church in Fremont, Mich. We will proceed to Maple Grove Cemetery in Fremont, then return to the church for a luncheon. Please visit http://www.mckinleyfuneral.com/Obits/2008/Obits/seanshields/obit.htm to view Sean's obituary.

A turn for the worse by Kelly - Sean's Mom-

~ 11:56AM Saturday August 2nd, 2008 Sean's heart beat for the last time. With Nicole by his side, encouraging Addie and Ella to say good bye to Daddy - There were also six of us there Nikki's Mom Fonda, Sean's Dad's Marty & Will, Sean's sister Kasey and I. We were just trying our best to follow Nikki's Brave courage. There were four of Sean's knuckle head friends in the waiting room - Eric, Jesse, Big Josh and Dan. I thought it was the coolest things that they drove all that way that early in the AM - it touched my heart to tears. This is really difficult to type - as my heart breaks! But STILL there is much to be thankful for! In fact just a few short weeks ago I asked Sean what HE was thankful to God for and HE said his health.!? Sean was having a pretty good week - you know as good as anyone in a hospital having chemo-therapy can have. The chemo was at night which gave him and Nikki more freedom in the day. Nikki said that on one AM Sean started a walk down to the "nutrition" room to get sugar for his coffee and he wheeled his IV all the way down and Nikki caught up to him and realized that he wasn't even hooked up to his IV -of course Nikki thought this was hysterical - Sean threw some sugar packets at her to get her to Stop laughing. I'm especially thankful for this laughter
A TURN FOR THE WORSE happened when they tried to wake him Friday to get his vitals. Without being there myself I really can't say any of the details. But I do know that things never really did get any better. They did a EEG that AM and another one Saturday AM - both of them showed very little to no brain activity and although his heart was fine his breathing was happening only by a machine. That's all I have to say about that.
I find myself thinking about Sean and Nikki and when Nikki was in labor for Addie - I think about how I was always so impressed with Sean's support to Nikki as she had such bad back labor - Sean stood over Nikki (what seemed like hours) with his hand on Nikki's back (just so) to ease her suffering the best way he could. I guess I was thinking about that because Nikki's support for Sean through this was SO (I don't have word's to accurately describe). Her love and support for Sean was just amazing and her growing intelligence about all the medical knowledge was mind boggling to me. No one could have done a better job than Nicole! We are so thankful to God for Sean's LIFE. People ask, and you may be wondering what YOU can do - Please be thankful to God with us as he allows us to live forever by the power of His blood. Of course we ask him to heal our broken hearts (especially Nicole's, Addie's & Ella's). Thanks for keeping us in your prayers too.